The mystery woman is Riley, my ex-girlfriend’s ex-best friend, and somehow, I ended up with custody her of after the breakup. And despite being at least two years younger than me, she’s never been too busy to be someone’s self-appointed, “queer mom.” I guess when you’re six-and-half-feet tall, everyone looks like they need a parent.

All that to say, I’m totally sunk here! How am I supposed to hide all these changes from her? The long hair, the tits. Everything about this body screams GIRL.