Riley’s flurry of grabs disappear through the barrage of living-room stuff.

“Now let’s see what this big secret is all about!”

Twenty-twenty…It’s the future?!

“Riley, what the hell! That’s like…five years!”

The revelation is short-lived as all of Biscuit’s plump behind is suddenly tossed into my lap. A perfectly oversized and furry distraction for Riley to grab her phone back.

“You’re just tired, Lex!” she cries, those earlier sniffles of hers coming on again, “M-M-Maybe…maybe you’re on your period!”

I shout over the Corgi’s golden folds, “I don’t have a period! Oh god, or do I? Tell me that’s not even a thing, right? Riley! Please just tell me what’s going on — ughhh — Biscuit! Quit licking my face!”